Atheists Love Birds

According to that ignorant scamp, Ray Comfort, Atheists can't love birds as much as their jesusy peers.  In a short, on-line article (available on his ridiculously stupid website Pull the Plug on Atheism) Comfort ask a series of brainless questions about birds in his attempt to demonstrate that atheists are misguided ones.

Here's what Ray wants to know:

Why don't we see fat sparrows? What are they singing about? Who teaches them music? How come they can all sing on key? How do they know that they are sparrows so that they can hang with other sparrows? Birds of a feather do flock together (how many sparrows do you see flying with seagulls?). Are they nervous on their first flight? Who warns them about cats? If it's their mom and dad, how do they communicate with their kids?

He then finished his post with this little gem:

As an atheist it must be a little frustrating having no one to thank for all this. How can you not stand in awe at the intelligence of the mind that put all this together? I marvel at the genius of God. Einstein did. Newton did. The atheist doesn’t. He sees the meal but never tastes it...because he doesn’t want to. What a tragedy.

Look, Ray, I know you are pretty dumb, but this is re-fucking-diculous.

To begin with, we know the answers to many of the stupid questions you ask about birds (do you read anything BUT the bible?).

For example, "Why don't we see fat sparrows?"  Well, we do, jackass.  As a matter of fact, scientists routinely measure and compare body fat in studies of bird health and use body fat as an indicator of quality of diet among other things.  We can't see that fat just by looking at birds because birds are covered with feathers, ass.

Another example: "Birds of a feather do flock together (how many sparrows do you see flying with seagulls?)."  Seriously, Ray?  Are sparrows the only birds you know about?  I guess they are one of the few birds mention by name in your ultimate encyclopedia of superstition and myth.

The truth is, moron, lots of birds regularly mix with flocks of different species (even different "kinds" to use your idiotic nomenclature).  Even the novice bird-watcher (whether a jesus freak or not) knows that chickadees, nuthatches, wrens, AND sparrows.  Another better example is found on beaches.  Shorebirds group together in huge flocks often numbering in the hundreds.  These are often composed of several species: knots, plovers, sandpipers, turnstones, stilts, snipes and others.

My point is that scientists already have answers to these questions.  In fact, scientists spend their days asking even better questions and then trying to answer them.

And as an atheist, I do stand in awe of nature, I just don't attribute the glory of nature to some imaginary tyrant who lives in the clouds and likes to fuck with people.  Instead, I give credit where it's due.  Nature is divine in itself.

The real tragedy, Ray, is that you think your life is more complete than mine simply because you choose to remain and ignorant fucking man.

Back in the nick of time

So, it's been a while.  This blog took a back seat to a few other amazing things that I do... such as eating and sleeping.  Oh, and I drink a lot, too.

For those who care, I did finally hang up the hook in the bathroom.

Reflections After a Night in the ER

The following is a tenderly worded poem that I have written for my wife following her recent trip to the emergency room.  Luckily, the event had a happy ending, but I find it is always important to reflect on these frightening experiences and so learn about our deep connections.

My Dear Wife,

Last night you work me up 

From a deep sleep that I had been looking forward to all day.

But I didn't mind.  

I figured that you were looking for a little fun.

It turned out that you were crying and in pain

Because a sharp two millimeter solid concretion 

Was lodged in your urinary tract.

As we spent the next few hours in the hospital

I began to think about how little time we truly spend together.

And how I usually forget to do the simple tasks you ask me to do

Because I don't take them seriously.

By the way,

I'll hang up that hook for your robe

in the bathroom this weekend,

I promise.

The pain made you nauseous and you threw up.

I had to leave because I am a sympathetic vomiter,

And I would have made twice the mess otherwise.

And then they drew blood, 

Which made me queasy.

And when you were moaning in pain,

That kind of creeped me out,

So I said, "Let's watch the Conan O'brien show."

When the doctor came back to tell you

That you were going to be fine,

And we could go home,

I was relieved.

This is the first trip we ever made to the hospital

That did not result directly in another kid.

I want you to know

That I will try my best not to take you for granted,

Like I have in the past.

And I'll try my hardest not to seduce you

With my irresistible charm,

Because you seem pretty tired

And could use a rest.

Why I Sometimes Act Like an Animal--Redux

Annoyingly smart readers who call you on obvious rhetorical strategies that mislead the public are the worst kind of people to sit next to at work.  And for that, I'm not even going to protect your identity, Randal.  Yes, you were technically right when you told me that bacteria are not animals as my post claims.

And when I argued that what I meant by "animals" was non-human life, you are right to point out that I know perfectly good words to use to describe them when they are both not human and not animals.

And what did Randal say when I asked can not an example of bacterial altruism also imply that a greater degree of nobility might be seen in more complex living things?  Quoth the Randal, "Nevermore!"

And so, here I am once again faced with retribution for my numerous and severe transgressions.  A penance again!  And this week, the subject shall be altruism in Animals (multicellular eukaryotic heterotrophs to be specific).  

Why I Sometimes Act Like an Animal

A common complaint from creationists and other evolution deniers laments that teaching our children that they "come from monkeys" encourages them to believe they are "just animals" and so they might as well act that way.  It's no wonder, the creationists argue, that murder, teen pregnancy, abortion and other forms of monkey business are on the rise.

A logical person could point out that even if it were true that learning we are apes makes us act like hooligans, it is not evidence against our apishness.  Being an ugly man might hurt my feelings, but it won't make me prettier.  So even if the truth hurts, it is worth knowing about.

When asked by parents or students if I teach that we "came from apes," I virtually leap to my feet and shout.  "Of course not!" I exclaim, "I teach them we are apes!"  Sometimes this does not have the affect I'm hoping for, but nonetheless, I push on.

In fact, I'm easily offended when people in my life, my mother among them, say that when I'm behaving badly I'm acting like an animal.  The reason I get offended is because I like animals and I think it's unfair to compare the stately conduct of the average beast my impish ways.  For example, would an animal shave his brother-in-law's right eyebrow when he fell asleep during Thanksgiving dinner?  I think not.  But I can email pictures on request.

This article confirms my suspicions that animals, even tiny single-celled ones are more noble then we'd like to admit.  It seems that a Samonella bacteria will sometimes self-destruct when doing so will give its siblings an advantage.  When was the last time your mom did something so noble?  My mom would never do that for me.  Maybe for my brother...

Bass Avoid Biting Off More Than They Can Chew

This image shows a very rare event: a Largemouth Bass has attempted to eat a meal it can't swallow.  Until 1991, scientists had great difficulty quantifying how Bass decide what sized fish to eat.  Correlations between the body size of the bass and the body size of its prey were weak.  It turns out that bass carefully select prey that are smaller (from top to bottom) then the with of the bass' mouth.  This rather obvious (in hindsight) conclusion was made by  observing bass feed on small fish under controlled laboratory conditions.  The researchers found that Bass never ingested fish that were taller than their gaping mouths were wide.

Cats and Social Primates--Fast Friends?

The main reason cats are such improbable companions for human beings has to do with markedly different social behaviors in felines and primates.  That dogs are popular pets is easily explained.  They too are cooperative social animals, in part because of their natural proclivities, but also because of the artificial behaviors we bred into them.  

If you were to describe a typical interaction between two dogs who live together you might use terms like: playful, friendly, cooperative.  Human interactions are often described in the same way.  In fact we enjoy the company of playful, friendly and cooperative peers.  If someone we know is avoidant, aloof or self-interested, we tend think of them as sub-human.

But consider the typical feline.  Those terms, avoidant, aloof and self-interested are quite suiting monikers for cat behaviors.  Cats are not social animals in the way that dogs and humans are.  Take their approach to conflict, for example.  The typical human tries to work trough and resolve conflict with other humans.  We do this through cooperation.  By working together in a coordinated fashion, humans are able to secure individual resources without conflict.  Dogs behave in the same way, both in our homes and in the wild.

Cats, on the other hand, have very limited abilities to resolve conflict.  Instead, they rely heavily on what are called agonistic behaviors, subtle cues that allow them to avoid conflict by avoiding interactions all together.  So the hallmark of a cat that is severely irritated is for that cat to simply walk away.  Irritate a dog, and he'll try everything he can to turn that interaction into play.  Likewise, humans dispel their irritation with others through jokes and laughter.

So why de we enjoy the company of cats at all?  They seem to offer little in the way of benefit to us humans.  The answer can be found in three simple facets of a cats nature that almost no other creature has.  These are:

1. Cats are deadly predators who still posses the means and inclination to kill our enemies, in this case rodents.  Cats keep our farms, homes and city streets free of these agents of famine and disease.  But because they can do this without any modifications to their behavior or anatomy (unlike dogs who must be sculpted to suite our purposes) we've changed them very little over time.
2. Cats are small enough that they cannot present a serious threat to the safety of humans, not even children.  Sure, an angry cat can scratch or bite.  But domestic dogs kill hundreds worldwide every year.  It is estimated that the cost of injuries due to dog bites in the United Stated is in the tens of millions.
3. Cats crap in a box of sand, naturally and with no help from us.  We provide the sand box, they provide the crap.  Dog owners swap their carpets for tile regularly.  And who would dream of keeping a horse indoors?

These may not sound like impressive characteristics, but they have made for a lasting relationship with humans--one that breaks the typical homo-centric model.  Cats are one of the few creatures who live intimately with us who are not also greatly exploited.  Dogs are mini slaves in many homes.  But cats have turned the tables on domestication by making us fulfill all their needs and giving next to nothing in return.

But they are charming!  And you've got to admit that there's something in the human psyche that seems to seek out the ones who try to get away.  Every time my cat sleeps at my daughter's feet, I get insanely jealous.  And every time he spends three seconds bunting up against my leg when I come home from work, I feel like I've just been blessed.

But there is another facet about the cat that I believe will secure them as the most popular pets for years to come.  They fit a niche in the ever changing structure of human life.  Dogs, for all our similarities, are loosing ground in our homes.  They require great chunks of time, space and personal interaction--all resources that are vanishing as the pace of our busy lives quickens.  Cats get by happily with a minimum of these.  And so as modern humans get more and more modern, I think we'll be keeping cats for what little companionship we can pencil in.

Alas, my penance is at an end.  Hopefully, I've done enough to repair my transgressions and and pay my debt of sin.  I leave you with a second touching story of a kitty friend.  This one, again, is anonymous.  Several years ago, a friend of mine nearly ended her life in the upstairs bathroom of her parent's house.  No one realized the depths of depression to which she had fallen.  None of us had taken the time to notice the subtle changes in her personality that should have been so obvious.  Why is she still alive?  Because as she contemplated her end she was not alone.  And her decision to leave us all was postponed by the gentle kneading paws and soothing purr of the cat she had lived with since childhood.

Beat that Lassie!